From Disarray to Hooray: SQL Server Functions That Simplify T-SQL

Ever run into one of those SQL Server moments where you think: "There has to be an easier way to do this"? The kind where you've got a chain of string functions, a CASE expression that reads like a crime scene, a comment that basically says "don't touch this", and code that has been copied since 2005. In a lot of cases, we don't need those messy custom-made functions anymore, as SQL Server already has something built in that would make our life easier.

In this session, we will take you through the lesser-known dungeons of SQL Server functions. Not the ones everyone memorizes but the ones you only discover after you've written the hard way and then later realize there was a cleaner option all along. We'll show how these functions can simplify data cleanup, make reporting logic easier to read, and replace bits of customer code you've been dragging around for years.

To keep it fun, we'll do this in acts. Each act is a short story; a problem we keep seeing, the typical over engineered solution, and then the "wait, that exists?" moment. Expect quick demos, a few SQL memes that will feel painfully familiar, and practical takeaways you can use the next time you've stuck in a query spaghetti.

If you write T-SQL and you like solutions that are simple, predictable, and easy to maintain, you'll leave with a list of function and patterns you'll actually use.

Discover lesser-known SQL Server functions you may not have encountered before Identify built-in SQL Server functions that replace common overengineered T-SQL patterns Apply practical function patterns to clean up data and reporting logic immediately